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Knock knock [May. 22nd, 2013|10:13 pm]
Livejournal world, do you still exist?

I think about you sometimes, but for some reason tonight I needed to speak with you.

Remember me? As I look back on the entries I used to write, I don't. But sometimes it's nice to live in the past and remember. It's true, former self, you never forget.

But you do move on.

And when I moved on, I quit smoking. I became a personal trainer (again). I quit school and the idea of school (and it was a great choice for me). I learned how to love myself, and then I forgot, but I kept trying and I realized one will always have to "keep trying". I sort of came to terms with that.

And then, I got married. And we had a private ceremony, and a petting zoo, a taco truck and a table full of sweet things. And our friends came, and some of them danced, and some of them hugged me, and I don't remember most of it. But I remember that, despite how much I was dreading it (you know, all that attention and "you're beautiful!" bullshit, and the fact that we have collectively been conditioned to believe it will be the BEsT dAy EvEr!1!), it was the best day ever. Dammit. It was also the first day in my entire fucking life where I did not once (not once) think about my body size, the amount of calories I had ingested, the amount of calories I was burning, anything. Even in the past 4 years where I have enjoyed a pretty stable "recovery," I have had at least one thought where food, my body, or the status of my metabolism came into my brain space. Even for a fleeting moment...but it has happened almost daily. I have refused to interrupt my life or make changes based upon these thoughts, but I have had them. And that day, I didn't. Whaddya know.
A few shots from that day, our wedding - March 30th, 2013Collapse )
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(no subject) [Jun. 2nd, 2010|10:51 pm]
If Toddlers and Tiaras, the love-to-hate pageant documentary on TLC, were a cereal, I would totally eat it. I would eat it non-stop, the sickeningly sweet flakes of processed corn would swirl about to the depths of the bowl, creating a thick, multicolored sludge of diabetes, providing the key to morbid obesity. I would dip spoon after spoon into that vulgar bowl, and suck that grotesque glucose down. The phrases the television elicit me to scream are worse than a baseball game in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs and loaded bases. These people are fucking NUTS. It's AWESOME. And GROSS. But AWESOME(LY BAD).

Speaking of awesomely bad, Gabe and I started a Hall & Oates cover band called Holland Goats.

Behold our magical album cover. It's a tongue-in-cheek massacre of the songs that everyone loves to wail when they're shitfaced at karaoke done with my I-smoke-too-much voice and Gabe's guitar. We want to get a cheap Casio keyboard to really fucking rail it home, but I'm leaning on investing the funds in a keytar, which would be so, so, so sweetly horrific.

I need another job. I'm barely able to pay my goddam phone bill and it's driving me up the wall. I've applied at a few places via craigslist, but nothing exciting.

Ok. Time for candy.
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(no subject) [May. 19th, 2010|02:02 am]
brick wallCollapse )
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Never has there been a better way to delay the writing of a paper... [May. 7th, 2010|11:11 pm]
Well, hello there, friendlings.

It's been a while, yeah?!

I don't know what compelled me to do so, but a few weeks ago I logged in to livejournal and read through pages of your entries and felt like breaking the silence.

Because I'm tired and finding it difficult to begin to type the words I had imagined writing, I'm going to make a categorical update of sorts. Wow. Exciting.

Health: Ok, that seems like a fair place to start, considering the former installments revolved around eating, not eating, living, not living...Well, I can ecstatically say that I would not be able to tell you the last time I engaged in an eating disorder behavior. I would probably have to go back to my entries to figure it out because, after that, my weight has been stable (give or take a few lbs, although I wouldn't be able to tell you that in all certainty as I am scale-less) and my mind has been at peace. It really is a beautiful sense of calm without the world of an ED. I have somehow accepted thighs that are not what I would have chosen and that every now and then I will "miss" the constant mind absorbance, and that I will be fuller than full and hungrier than appropriate - and that it will be rectified, and it will pass.

HOWEVER! I have been afflicted with a mystery fantom illness for longer than comfortable that takes on new masks and personalities frequently. I have, for about the past ~1.5 years dealt with : constant mucus, sinus drainage, migraines (had never experienced these nasty bitches prior to this), constant stiffness in my neck, back and jaw, stomach upset, mental fogginess, sporadic and short-lived bouts of blurred vision and dizziness including the most intense head-rushes EVARRRR!!!, coughing, a wimpy-sorry-excuse of an immune system - I will get any illness you, your grandmother, your grandmother's friend's poodle, has - and that's a promise, and lastly, but most draining and frustrating of all - extreme fatigue. I can/will sleep for 2 days straight. I have missed work, school, important dates and deadlines because I'm sleeping. I lost my health insurance when I quit working at Therapy, and so I'm at a loss for clinical intervention. I keep telling myself I'll make an appointment for a free clinic. I keep stopping myself because I'm afraid of the fear and frustration that comes when, gee whiz, "we can't figure it out!" It happened the last round of appointments, when I actually had good insurance and a decent team (a fucking team!) of physicians. But I really do need to make that/those call(s), I know that.

It feels silly to say, but I feel angry and bemused that after so many years of putting myself through so much, and taking the steps (every little, big and painful one) to get well, that I would then become weirdly sick with no answers. Bahhhh.

Boyz: Mmmmm....I am so lucky. I have the bestest boyfriend in the world, hands down. Gabe, or Boos (I, too, am 'Boos', but do not confuse us as we are unique and beautiful snowflakes!) is the man of mah dreamz and we live together in a wonderful apartment that we moved to a few months ago. I was READY to get out of the middle of no where, even though it was nice to have my own place and I did have a rather charming fire place. But now I live a few blocks from Union Square (shopping galore - O HAI!) and Wilson (Lily, one of my two dogs - the smaller, meaner, more amusing one) can live with us! Gabe and Lily (she switches between Lily and Wilson, as I deem appropriate) are the most adorable spectacle of cute. She wiggles and whimpers and leaps up on her wee-little hind legs to dig into his nose because Wilson asserts that Gabe has truly exceptional boogers. They are, she thinks, far superior to any culinary delicacy.

Gabe is fucking great and I really can't put those feelings into text.

Work: I quit Therapy and was without a job for a few months, which was a nice time to rely on my mother, work on "school" and enjoy the summer. I started working at a candy store (I know, right?) in September and it's been smooth sailing. I essentially get paid to eat candy, sit on the internet and ward off customers with my devilish glare - they can be super fucking annoying.

School: I am not so much in "school", but rather a class on gender roles in society and my beloved metal shop class. I am in love with everything about it - the teacher is fucking amazing and if I didn't have a wonderful mother, I would insist she adopt me, we have access to fabulous torches, tools, large machinery to work on our jewelry and sculptural products. I want nothing more than form and fabricate metal. It's so amazingly fun and challenging. Love, love, love.

My super sweet awesome sexy great totally fabulous apartment: ...is just that! It's taken on a similar quality that my body with my eating disorder did - I'm reluctant to show it because it isn't "done yet" and there are still things I need to "change" and "make better" but it is totally bitchin' and pictures will follow.

*side-note : Gabe and I share a dream of being able to have a grandiose and industrial studio where we can masterfully create fucking sweet furniture and stufffff. He'll focus predominantly on the wood and I'll take care of the metalz. Rockkkk.

I'm tired, so there's your teaser.

I'm really happy to see that some of the people I remember from here are still posting, but saddened that you're not all ranting and raving about how amazing your lives are...not because I'm disappointed in any of you or your perceptions, but because I am reminded of how maddening and gripping eating disorders can be. I hope to post, and read, with frequency and I hope you'll still be open to my comments. I promise I'm not some preachy, omgursothinandthisissounhealthy, lady on the "other side." I may not be living it, but I've lived it, and it's never too far away from my radar - I mean, that I know it is always there, lurking, waiting for you/me to crawl back into the grips of a world that is so tantalizing secure and sensical and that sometimes there is no 'other option' in 'sight.' I just wanted to add that for my own sanity, as it's a little intimidating posting in a journal that used to be ruled by sadness, numbers, and the love from each and every comment. I went back and read them the other day, and they make me teary-eyed. I will say that if there is something I do wish for more of in my life, it's a social circle. I am still relatively introverted in my own bubble - my health and exhaustion mentally prohibits me from feeling like I can have friends in my routine - I have canceled so many plans and lost so many connections because I've been sleeping or medicating my back pain. It depresses me when I dwell on it, and I think in some ways I figured I could at least say something here - and hope that someone would hear it...not because I need a shoulder, or an answer, but that sometimes taking to your boyfriend and your chihuahua can become predictable and you wanna hear someone else's wacky, silly take on 'it'.

Oh, and if y'all wanna feast your eyes on me, here ya go :

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(no subject) [Nov. 11th, 2008|12:33 am]
SHOUT OUT TO SARAH (sarahs_history) for being my first buyer on etsy! love! thank you!
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(no subject) [Nov. 10th, 2008|06:41 pm]
Time to go shopping, bitches.

Etsy is a major pain in the ass to upload shit onto. Will add more when I get back from dinner.

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(no subject) [Oct. 12th, 2008|02:21 am]

This is a combination of hardware held together by resin, wrapped in galvanized wire, strung on silver and gold chains.

Looks much better in person. Vintage 24k watch button on chain with wire coil.

Version two with drop of large(r) chain.

Haven't been able to sleep well. Can't pinpoint exactly how I'm feeling, but I suppose the best word would be uncomfortable.
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(no subject) [Oct. 3rd, 2008|01:34 am]
Some crafty things I did today :

These two are of a light fixture thing I made. I printed out an old San Francisco map, attached it to cardboard, and punched holes in it to put christmas lights through. I folded the edges of the cardboard to create a sort of "box" to house the wire. It's hard to get a good picture of it.

I just bought some fishing line and I wanted to put it to good use. I suspended the guitar, which is framing pictures of Cat Stevens, Neil Young, Steve Perry and Claudio Sanchez

These are just a few pictures with a MUNI theme. Transfers, fast passes and BART tickets.
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(no subject) [Sep. 30th, 2008|12:39 am]
How the hell did I forget to write that I saw Journey at the Shoreline Saturday?!?! Super awesome - bittersweet because I wish Mr. Perry were still fronting the band, but the new singer (Arnel Pineda) rocked pretty hard.

And today I bought tickets for sold-out ACDC in December. Fuck yes.
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What I wore yesterday. And the day before that. [Sep. 16th, 2008|02:44 pm]

Etc...Collapse )

Also, show me your top 25 playlist from your pod/other mp3 player.
Mine is totally schizophrenic.

1.) Journey - The Party's Over
I am totally in love with Journey. I don't know what it is, but it resonates. Actually, it's mostly Steve Perry, but post-SP, Journey still rocks pretty hard. I'm seeing them three days before my birthday which is going to be totally fucking hilarious.
2.) The Knife - Heartbeats
This is probably on here because of the playtime it gets at work. Quintessential head bobbing tune. You can always count on some movement from this one.
3.) Elliott Smith - Twilight
All time favorite ES song. Simple, but haunting.
4.) ACDC - Thunderstruck
Fuck yeah. Best ACDC song (runner up - For Those About to Rock)
5.) Cat Stevens - Oh Very Young
Such a gorgeous song. Some of the most poignant lyrical lines that get me every time :
And though your dreams may toss and turn you now
They will vanish away like your daddys best jeans
Denim Blue fading up to the sky
And though you want him to last forever
You know he never will

Don't know what it is about the song, but I could listen to it for hours.
6.) Dragonforce - My Spirit Will Go On
I have a sick adoration for Dragonforce. They mix in my love for cheesy musical-esque melody and driven shredding. I would call it a guilty pleasure, but I obliterated the guilt long ago.
7.) Conor Oberst - Eagle on a Pole
So, Conor drops Bright Eyes to start his own music project. Sorry, but who the hell else was in Bright Eyes and what kind of delusion is he living in that he thought he wasn't doing his own thing all along? Regardless, I dig this song.
8.) In Flames - Dialogue With the Stars
LOVE IN FLAMES. Until they start "singing." Music is so orchestrated and minstrel and then they start to drudge through it with bad vocals. Oh well, this song is a favorite.
9.) The Smiths - Half a Person
Not much to say. Awesome.
10.) Ozma - Incarnation Blues
I love Ozma. Total nostalgia back to high school. This is a short, but sweet song.
11.) Coheed & Cambria - Delirium Trigger
I will always love C&C and more particularly, Claudio Sanchez regardless of how mainstream, over-produced or wacky their concepts get. This is much different from the new(er) stuff, and I love it a little bit more.
12.) Neil Young - Albuquerque
I don't need to vouch for this song. Too pretty.
13.) Sigur Ros - Saeglopur
Great bedtime song.
14.) Simon & Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence
Love the harmonies.
15.) MGMT (Justice Remix) - Electric Feel
Another dancey song. The remix has a lot more punch than the original.
16.) Journey - Lights (LIVE VERSION)
Everyone's favorite karaoke jam with some crowd noise. Too good. JOURNEY, FUCK YEAH.
17.) Radiohead - No Surprises
No brainer.
18.) Rush - Working Man (Vault Edition)
Rush caters to the middle-aged man in me. Kinky.
19.)Tool - Stink Fist
This is when you know I am all over the place. Tool is pretty lame overall, but this song is pretty sweet. Brings me back to the weird guys in high school that never had any friends. Prog-rock has a place in my heart.
20.) Cursive - Staying Alive
Cursive lost it a little after The Ugly Organ, but this song is before the cello player left. Great buildup.
21.) David Bowie - Starman
From my favorite period of Bowie music, Starman is fabulous.
22.) Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Follow You Into the Dark
I went through a period (depressed) where I would listen to this OVER AND OVER. Good times...?
23.) Tegan and Sara - Living Room
Generally, I think they blow. I had a Tegan sex dream once, though. This song is cute and twangy and I can hang with that. Well done.
24.) The Drifters - Stand by Me
Classic and if anyone argues, you suck.
25.) Belle and Sebastian - Expectations
I love Belle and Sebastian and this song has a great mood to it.

There you go - my most recent Top 25 Most Played. Surely, it will change and perhaps I will update.

Your turn!
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