|Never has there been a better way to delay the writing of a paper...
||[May. 7th, 2010|11:11 pm]
Well, hello there, friendlings. |
It's been a while, yeah?!
I don't know what compelled me to do so, but a few weeks ago I logged in to livejournal and read through pages of your entries and felt like breaking the silence.
Because I'm tired and finding it difficult to begin to type the words I had imagined writing, I'm going to make a categorical update of sorts. Wow. Exciting.
Health: Ok, that seems like a fair place to start, considering the former installments revolved around eating, not eating, living, not living...Well, I can ecstatically say that I would not be able to tell you the last time I engaged in an eating disorder behavior. I would probably have to go back to my entries to figure it out because, after that, my weight has been stable (give or take a few lbs, although I wouldn't be able to tell you that in all certainty as I am scale-less) and my mind has been at peace. It really is a beautiful sense of calm without the world of an ED. I have somehow accepted thighs that are not what I would have chosen and that every now and then I will "miss" the constant mind absorbance, and that I will be fuller than full and hungrier than appropriate - and that it will be rectified, and it will pass.
HOWEVER! I have been afflicted with a mystery fantom illness for longer than comfortable that takes on new masks and personalities frequently. I have, for about the past ~1.5 years dealt with : constant mucus, sinus drainage, migraines (had never experienced these nasty bitches prior to this), constant stiffness in my neck, back and jaw, stomach upset, mental fogginess, sporadic and short-lived bouts of blurred vision and dizziness including the most intense head-rushes EVARRRR!!!, coughing, a wimpy-sorry-excuse of an immune system - I will get any illness you, your grandmother, your grandmother's friend's poodle, has - and that's a promise, and lastly, but most draining and frustrating of all - extreme fatigue. I can/will sleep for 2 days straight. I have missed work, school, important dates and deadlines because I'm sleeping. I lost my health insurance when I quit working at Therapy, and so I'm at a loss for clinical intervention. I keep telling myself I'll make an appointment for a free clinic. I keep stopping myself because I'm afraid of the fear and frustration that comes when, gee whiz, "we can't figure it out!" It happened the last round of appointments, when I actually had good insurance and a decent team (a fucking team!) of physicians. But I really do need to make that/those call(s), I know that.
It feels silly to say, but I feel angry and bemused that after so many years of putting myself through so much, and taking the steps (every little, big and painful one) to get well, that I would then become weirdly sick with no answers. Bahhhh.
Boyz: Mmmmm....I am so lucky. I have the bestest boyfriend in the world, hands down. Gabe, or Boos (I, too, am 'Boos', but do not confuse us as we are unique and beautiful snowflakes!) is the man of mah dreamz and we live together in a wonderful apartment that we moved to a few months ago. I was READY to get out of the middle of no where, even though it was nice to have my own place and I did have a rather charming fire place. But now I live a few blocks from Union Square (shopping galore - O HAI!) and Wilson (Lily, one of my two dogs - the smaller, meaner, more amusing one) can live with us! Gabe and Lily (she switches between Lily and Wilson, as I deem appropriate) are the most adorable spectacle of cute. She wiggles and whimpers and leaps up on her wee-little hind legs to dig into his nose because Wilson asserts that Gabe has truly exceptional boogers. They are, she thinks, far superior to any culinary delicacy.
Gabe is fucking great and I really can't put those feelings into text.
Work: I quit Therapy and was without a job for a few months, which was a nice time to rely on my mother, work on "school" and enjoy the summer. I started working at a candy store (I know, right?) in September and it's been smooth sailing. I essentially get paid to eat candy, sit on the internet and ward off customers with my devilish glare - they can be super fucking annoying.
School: I am not so much in "school", but rather a class on gender roles in society and my beloved metal shop class. I am in love with everything about it - the teacher is fucking amazing and if I didn't have a wonderful mother, I would insist she adopt me, we have access to fabulous torches, tools, large machinery to work on our jewelry and sculptural products. I want nothing more than form and fabricate metal. It's so amazingly fun and challenging. Love, love, love.
My super sweet awesome sexy great totally fabulous apartment: ...is just that! It's taken on a similar quality that my body with my eating disorder did - I'm reluctant to show it because it isn't "done yet" and there are still things I need to "change" and "make better" but it is totally bitchin' and pictures will follow.
*side-note : Gabe and I share a dream of being able to have a grandiose and industrial studio where we can masterfully create fucking sweet furniture and stufffff. He'll focus predominantly on the wood and I'll take care of the metalz. Rockkkk.
I'm tired, so there's your teaser.
I'm really happy to see that some of the people I remember from here are still posting, but saddened that you're not all ranting and raving about how amazing your lives are...not because I'm disappointed in any of you or your perceptions, but because I am reminded of how maddening and gripping eating disorders can be. I hope to post, and read, with frequency and I hope you'll still be open to my comments. I promise I'm not some preachy, omgursothinandthisissounhealthy, lady on the "other side." I may not be living it, but I've lived it, and it's never too far away from my radar - I mean, that I know it is always there, lurking, waiting for you/me to crawl back into the grips of a world that is so tantalizing secure and sensical and that sometimes there is no 'other option' in 'sight.' I just wanted to add that for my own sanity, as it's a little intimidating posting in a journal that used to be ruled by sadness, numbers, and the love from each and every comment. I went back and read them the other day, and they make me teary-eyed. I will say that if there is something I do wish for more of in my life, it's a social circle. I am still relatively introverted in my own bubble - my health and exhaustion mentally prohibits me from feeling like I can have friends in my routine - I have canceled so many plans and lost so many connections because I've been sleeping or medicating my back pain. It depresses me when I dwell on it, and I think in some ways I figured I could at least say something here - and hope that someone would hear it...not because I need a shoulder, or an answer, but that sometimes taking to your boyfriend and your chihuahua can become predictable and you wanna hear someone else's wacky, silly take on 'it'.
Oh, and if y'all wanna feast your eyes on me, here ya go :